Aston Villa liability Gabriel Agbonlahor has been placed into protective custody after he injured pop pixie and joke human Louis Tomlinson in a charity football match.
Tomlinson, who performs in circus act One Direction, is infamously protected by a legion of unstable and totally ruthless teenage girls, who have been described as a cross between the Russian Mafia and a group of ravenous hyenas.
A spokesperson for Villa forward Agbonlahor, confirmed the player is terrified after receiving thousands of abbreviated death threats via social media.
“The police are dealing with the matter. They have explained that these girls are angry at the world because of their diminished mental functions and inability to form lasting relationships amongst their peer group.
“There is talk of rounding them up and moving them to Siberia, where they would take part in a battle royale style death match, where the winners would be congratulated before being shot throw the head.
“It’s just one of the ideas being floated about.”
Agbonlahor and Tomlinson were taking part in an exhibition match at Celtic Park, raising money for former Celtic and Aston Villa player Stiliyan Petrov, who recently retired from football following a long battle with leukaemia.
Petrov’s charity, the Stiliyan Petrov Foundation, has yet to go online.