The Newcastle manager insists his position at the club has not been weakened by the appointment of footballing dinosaur Joe Kinnear.
He said: “I spoke to Joe this morning.
“We had a long chat in which he kindly took my dignity from me and told me I wasn’t getting it back.
“He has now moved into my house and assumed my identity.
“My wife and children are frightened and don’t know what to do.
“I told them that this is what happens in football and they should do whatever Joe says.”
According to a source within Newcastle, there was a clause within Pardew’s contract relating to identity theft and possible societal disenfranchisement.
“Owner Mike Ashley has these types of stipulation within the contracts of all his high level employees, it keeps them on their toes.
“Right now half the Newcastle first team squad are drama students who have assumed the lives of International footballers.
“Of course the fact that Mike readily follows through with the dignity stripping and identity theft only enhances productivity within his companies.
“Pardew knew the risks and now he is paying the price for a bad season.”