The North London club were informed by a raft of Europe’s top agents that ambitious players see them as the footballing equivalent of a drug addicted porn star; they can get it up but struggle to finish the job.
An Arsenal spokesperson released this statement:
“Despite having millions to spend in the summer transfer market, we have been told that we are a laughing stock and should move into an another area of business.
“Of course, this is deeply worrying given that everyone at the club had been confident that our policy of not winning anything would pay off in the end.”
A source within the coaching staff revealed that manager Arsene Wenger is still passionate about not producing results.
“The boss believes that not completing at the highest level is the right direction for the football club.
“For example, while our competitors are growing and achieving their goals, we are standing still waiting for a proverbial bus that will never come. It’s pretty ingenious actually.”
Arsenal also refused to comment on the rumour that they will only sign English players who speak French, look French or are in fact French.
The spokesperson added: “Even though this is true, I can not confirm or deny this.”