The former Porto and Chelsea loser, who has been compared to teenage doctor Doogie Howser, is unable to read, write or stand up for himself.
A source close to AVB, revealed the Portuguese is excited about finally completing his education.
The source said: “Andre has the mind of a child and painted on his beard to look big and clever.
“The reality is that he cannot even dress himself in the morning and has a team of child psychologists who push him around and tell him what to do.
“In fact, he is something of a prodigal loser. A bunch of experts wanted to see how fast someone so young and inadequate would fuck up in a high profile job- of course the results will change the course of history.”
It has since been revealed that the source behind this statement was actually AVB, who was speaking from his tree house on a phone fashioned from tin cans.
Asked to respond to claims that he couldn’t manage a football club, even if it had no players and only existed inside his own head, Villas-Boas said: “That is not true, I once did exactly that, and we were moderately successful.”