Hulking injury prone mess Andy Carroll is to be given a new lease of life as a submissive law enforcing robot.
West Ham manager Sam Allardyce has defended the controversial move insisting macabre curiosity outweighed any concern for the striker’s welfare.
He said: “Not only will this be good publicity for the club, but also Andy’s memory will be wiped clean, meaning he would essentially be dead inside.
“It was a no-brainer really.”
The injury ravaged Carroll, who cannot read or write, has already been taken to a Pacific Island where he will be knocked around by his sociopathic keepers, before he is carved up and encased in steel.
A source close the pony tailed joke of a human, confirmed he has little understanding of what is about to happen.
“Andy has the intellect of a brain damaged dairy cow, and has to be told when to go to bed at night.
“The European Court of Human Rights initially tried to intervene, but when they reviewed footage of Andy in training, we received the proverbial green light to rip this loser apart.”