The West Ham striker has been living in the mobile home for months, while touring the country solving crimes and making promises he cannot keep.
He said: “I’m haven’t been able to play football for years, so I’ve been using the van as a means of attacking people I suspect of committing crimes. I know it sounds illegal but it’s a lot of fun.
“Unfortunately, I woke up last night and had broke my leg in the chemical toilet. I don’t know how it happened, all I know is that my leg is fucked and I’ve had to take a shit in the sink today.”
Carroll then directed journalists to the sink, adding: “I don’t normally do it in there.”
A source within the NHS revealed the £15-million England star cost the UK tax payer over a billion in season 2012/13.
The source said: “Last season Mr Carroll got his dick caught in a car wash and had his bum hole knocked over by a cyclist.
“Of course, they are just two incidents out of hundreds. The fact that he still alive, even though he is technically brain dead, make him a fascinating case.”