UK energy company, Cuadrilla, has announced that ‘massive’ deposits of natural gas have been found lying beneath Arsenal’s Emirates Stadium.
The gas is to be extracted by a fracking rig located in the front row seats of the North-End where traditionally the ‘Gooner’s’ hard-core fans congregate.
Fans Blame Tottenham
Fans have reacted immediately with claims that the Emirates Stadium could sink or tilt to one side and become unplayable.
This from fanzine The Gooner: “The fans smell a rat. We don’t want a load of frackers poking around up the Arse and buggering around. It’s not something we are comfortable with. Isn’t Lord Browne a Spurs fan?”
Wenger Seeks to Allay Gooner-holic Fracking Fears
Manager Arsene Wenger has insisted that the gas poses no threat to the club or the fans.
He said: “This is a great day for the club. The fans have no need to fear. Injecting fluid at high pressure to destroy the earth’s crust below the stadium is a perfectly natural process and our fans won’t even notice the gas being fracked out of the North Stand.
“The club will receive very large royalties from this which it can put into a large room and look lovingly at. It will be good for the under-soil heating system as some of the gas will escape through the pitch and we can burn it off easily.”
Yiddos Declare Feast of St. Totteringham Celebrations
Fans at North London rivals Spurs have long suspected that there was a massive load of gas at their traditional rivals. In fact, the traditional Arsenal taunts to ‘gas Tottenham Yids’ were an ironic riposte to the Spurs on the basis that Arsenal had the gas and Tottenham didn’t.
One thing is for sure, EPLwire won’t be striking any matches on its next visit to the Emirates.