The perennial seat filler spent his whole career making tea for players who had the ability to fulfil their potential.
Now with Cardiff City ready to hire the Norwegian, Solskjaer confirms he is trapped inside his own pathetic fear of rejection.
He said: “I couldn’t even tell you how many players take part in a game of football.
“Of course I know that you are allowed three substitutions because I am a loser who loved being second best.”
Asked about his success managing Molde in Norway, Solskjaer responded: “The Norwegian league is made up entirely of ex-footballers who have been enslaved by addiction and a propensity to expose themselves in public.
“Most of my players are homeless males who enjoy drinking methylated spirits and physically attacking strangers at night.”
A spokesperson for Cardiff revealed owner Vincent Tan finds the former Manchester United player’s negative attitude charming.
“Mr Tan thinks Ole’s love of losing and inability to learn about football is wonderfully refreshing.
“He has decided to give him full access to his vast fortune and private bathroom.”