Fiery dwarf Craig Bellamy has caused a fight within a derelict property after a heated exchange with his own reflection.
The Cardiff misanthrope took offence at his own shadow after it dared to appear taller than his own inadequate frame.
A source close to the striker confirmed the Welshman often self-harms in the belief that it will somehow kill his soul and further bolster his already out-of-control ego.
“Craig takes offence very easily.
“Everyday he is taken to training in a blacked-out limo, wearing an eye mask to prevent further confrontations.
“At night, he often takes to the streets to fight feral cats and foxes, like a severely autistic Mowgli from the Jungle Book.”
The revelations are of course nothing new, as Bellamy once infamously used a Liverpool youth team player’s head as a tennis ball, in a five set epic played with a homeless man, who later died from unrelated injuries.
However, a Cardiff City spokesperson insisted that the Welshman’s temper is offset by a love of pounding his enemies into a fleshy mush.
“Craig is a bit like Mike Tyson. He is incredibly strong willed and will turn on you within a heart beat.
“It’s really exciting to have him at the club.”