The soccer superstar made the stunning omission while pleasuring himself in front of a mirror.
He said: “Many mortals have tried to entice normal human emotions out of me.
“There is only one person that I love, and that is my stylist, who also happens to be God.”
Asked what he most despised about others, he quickly responded: “It would have to be their ability to empathise.
“This is something that I am incapable of doing . I believe it slows you down in life.
“If someone gets in my way, I literally climb over them, like a fleshy hill, and continue on my pointless and unrewarding journey.”
A source close to the Real Madrid goal getter, confirmed everything within the star’s life evolves around himself.
“In his spare time Cristiano pays professional actors to discuss how they would play him in a hypothetical movie.
“Together with the actors they devise a script which will never be read out loud or acted upon.
“When the day is finished Ronaldo has the actors removed from society, with all their worldly goods stripped from them, leaving them destitute and without a hope in this cruel and thankless world.
“Honestly, this is the type of activity that gets him up in the morning.”