The ridiculous human being, currently playing for Real Madrid, has admitted he does not intend to sign another contract with the club.
While this has alerted an array of suitors, the Portugal winger has confirmed that he plans to dedicate this life to an outdated form of dictatorial politics.
He said: “Everyone thinks I am this repugnant person who screams out his own name mid-coitus.
“But, there is so much more to me. Do you know that I sacked my maid because our shadows overlapped? I have standards that none of you normal people will understand.”
A spokesperson for the player confirmed that Ronaldo has ruined every relationship in his life and will die alone somewhere, possibly in prison.
“Cristano models himself on Chairman Mao, and is a strong advocate of abusing human rights while improving healthcare and education within his own country.”
This enlightening, yet worrying statement, shows a box-to-box midfielder who has clearly let his talents for ball sports go to his head.
Real Madrid chairman Florentino Perez has admitted that they have tried to give the player all the help he needs.
“We have tried to give him lessons on how to be normal. But he does not respond well to others.
“The best results came when we dressed a dog trainer up as a giant football. Of course, footballers and dogs both like balls, so the exercise worked on various different levels.
“But, after several productive visits Ronaldo unravelled a conspiracy that lead right back to me and his manager. That’s when he decided not to continue with the club.”