Former Stoke boss Pulis models his entire philosophy on Great War style trench warfare and has hanged numerous players for cowardice.
Palace chairman Steve Parish , who could fuck up a glass of water, insisted the manager’s controversial methods are the sporting equivalent of a thrush induced coma.
He said: “The body count Tony accumulated at Stoke was highly impressive.
“We never knew that you could simply start murdering the fuck out of the opposition if they were beating you.
“I’ve often wanted to apply that to other areas of my life…I just haven’t had time to check the legalities of it.”
The clearly passionate yet mildly retarded owner also suggested that the players will be replaced by borstal graduates and city centre doorman.
He said: “We want to fill the squad with the most violent hateful individuals possible.
“In fact, we will only sign players who have criminal records and enjoy having sex with elderly people.”