The former Everton boss, who will be unemployed this time next year, insisted that losing so many games at such a successful club is actually very difficult.
He said: “There aren’t many people who could have fucked up this badly.
“I reckon if you had put a used clump of tissues in charge of United this season, the team would be higher in the table.
“I’m out of my depth and dream of suicide every single day….so I’ve got little to complain about.”
A spokesperson for the Moyes family confirmed they are embarrassed to be associated with him.
“David has never even won anything in his life. He even plays knots and crosses with the family dog and loses every time.
“We are planning on moving to Australia and not telling him. We’ve got more respect for the dirt off the dog’s dick than we have for him.”