The former Everton inadequate confirmed that the players are simply not responding to the rudimentary diagrams he paints and the balloon animals he contorts using Magnum condoms.
A source close to Moyes revealed that the manager often sits in the corner, cradling a football, while rocking back and forth moaning and whimpering like a fox on a motorway.
The source said: “David currently lives in a fantasy world where he is a combination of Hercule Poirot and Batman’s butler/love interest Alfred.
“He thinks he can out think anyone and that the players are not responding because of some kind of plot against him. He is desperately trying to crack the case otherwise he will probably throw himself through a glass window dressed as the Belgian super sleuth.”
United has reportedly staged an intervention which Moyes treated like the end of an Agatha Christie novel, where he accused Wayne Rooney of killing an old woman on the Orient Express.
A club spokesperson confirmed that they are currently in the process of sacking anyone involved in the hiring of Moyes, except for the manager himself.
“We can’t fire David because some bright spark gave him a 5-year contract. Although, how could anyone have foreseen this level of incompetence?
“The guy uses balloon animals in his team talk for fuck sake. And the only player responding to that is Rooney.”