A Manchester United spokesperson has confirmed that the manager’s brain needed a rest.
“David has been placed in a coma and will be woken up at the end of the season.
“We are in universal agreement that this can only help the results on the pitch.
“In fact, for a squad which had won 5 out of the last 7 league titles to be any further down the league than we already are, would defy the laws of physics.
“Moyes has been a fuck up of epic proportions.”
The unnamed doctor, who will conduct the procedure, spoke about how little concern he has for Moyes’ health.
He said: “Actually putting someone in a medically induced coma is quite simple really.
“What I do is close my hand and make a fist, and then punch the patient so hard on the chin, they become a human vegetable with hair.”