MANCHESTER United manager David Moyes has vowed to convert all of his players and staff to Christianity.
The former Everton man is known for his religious beliefs and sees it as high time he spread the lord’s good word. The move has been met with uncertainty within Old Trafford, with some seeing it as a step too far.
However, Moyes believes that it is a natural step towards replacing Sir Alex Fergsuon as the god like head of Old Trafford.
He said: “We Christians have a proud history of spreading the word of god, and of bringing our ways to those who were fine without them.
“The South American boys will be my first targets and I aim to bring many more of them to the club, in the hope that I can bring some civility to those uncouth heathen.”
Sources inside Old Trafford say this stance has baffled Ecuadorian winger Antonio Valencia who sought to remind Moyes that everyone in South America was already either converted or killed centuries ago.
Already opposing religious sects have sprung up within the team dressing room, with Wayne Rooney angling for a move to worshipping the Norse god of war, Thor.
The England frontman was spotted last week with his son Kai in HMV buying Marvel’s Avengers on DVD.
Shinji Kagawa is also said to be unsettled and is apparently trying to build as many followers of Buddhism within the changing room as he can, in anticipation of the vicious onslaught which will no doubt follow.
News of Moyes’s plans has enraged ‘New Atheist’ Richard Dawkins, who is scheduled to debate Moyes in front of the sporting press next week.
He said: “Religion is poisonous and is a danger to all who practice it.
“Just because these football players are all fucking halfwits to start with doesn’t mean they should be forced to sink even lower by worshipping some magic bearded ghost in the sky.”