IT has been confirmed that the reason for football players’ dullness and their bland personalities is the spread of the virulent European Oak disease.
The disease renders its victims wooden and almost lifeless, leaving them with only the ability to play football and type things on twitter.
Experts say this is why the disease has gone unnoticed for so long.
Fears were prompted early on Monday morning when recent retiree Michael Owen was found in his greenhouse knee-high in compost and drenched in fertilisers.
It is believed that Owen was attempting to reverse the effects of the disease in an effort to get his personality back now that his playing days are over.
A PR person for Alan Shearer released a statement today saying that her client has “sought help from respected agriculturists.”
This follows news that Scott ‘Scotty’ Parker and Steven ‘Stevie’ Gerrard have checked themselves in to an unnamed nature reserve.
For years it was believed that the disease only affected actors (and oak trees), with Keanu Reeves and Sam Worthington being long time sufferers.
Joey Barton is one of the few who remains untouched by the disease, quoting a Smiths song as proof of his lucidity.