England, who are the footballing equivalent of the Dirty Dozen minus any charm or fighting spirit, will meet Uruguay, Costa Rica and four time champions Italy.
A spokesperson for sporting research group, Bull Tech, confirmed they had sent a 38-calibre pistol along with a single bullet to manager Roy Hodgson.
“We have advised the England team to start writing their wills now before it’s too late.
“The Brazilian climate, combined with the fact that they are shit at football, mean England will not survive past the group of Death.
“There are many things they can do, but none of those solutions involve playing football.”
Manager Roy Hodgson has stated that he is terrified of doing his job properly.
He said: “I have two options and the most preferable one right now is sewing my hands into my pockets and diving head first into a drained swimming pool.”