While attempting to speak his native language to the press, ball striking humanoid Wayne Rooney revealed his team’s unusual game plan.
He said: “I have no idea where I am or who I am talking to.”
Fortunately, manager Roy Hodgson was there to pick up Rooney’s slack.
He said: “The players feel that giving the ball away is what they do best. The South Americans are famed for keeping the ball. We are admired for our complete inability to play the game we popularised.
“That’s something we should be proud of.”
In response to the news, Brazil and Barcelona star Neymar insisted that he plans to exploit the England players like trafficked sex workers.
He said: “England footballers are what Brazilian game-shows are to the world of light entertainment; loud, glamorous and trapped in the 1970s.
“I will take their lives, their passion, their reputations, and flush them down the toilet.”
In light of Neymar’s comments, a source close to the England camp was quick to retort.
“We agree with everything the lad has said.”