Grumbling booze hound Sir Alex Ferguson has shocked football by writing a mediocre detective novel rather than a tell-all memoir.
The Ferguson biography had been expected to dish the dirt; exposing Roy Keane’s addiction to nail polish remover and Wayne Rooney’s love of tucking his tackle in while standing in front of the mirror.
However, the red faced Scot has spared the blushes of his players, confirming his ambition to become a bargain bucket sleuth jockey instead.
He said: “I always thought the world needed one more populist writer of formulaic thrillers.
“Everyone expected me to put the boot into former players. Well let me tell you this; I would never try and make money over the fact that one of the Neville brothers shagged his own sister on a night out.
“Or that Nicky Butt took a shit in his car whilst stuck in a traffic jam. These are things you take to your grave.”
A source within the club revealed the squad and the coaching staff are delighted to have escaped Ferguson’s withering tongue.
“Most of the players cannot read or write, so manager David Moyes was going to theatrically read the memoir out loud to them.
“After someone spent the day explaining to Wayne Rooney what a book was, he was inconsolable.
“Luckily, everyone feels like they have dodged a bullet and can carry on walking over people who earn less money than they do.”