Chelsea loser Fernando Torres is actively seeking work outside of football.
The Spanish mistake confirmed he has enrolled at a local college, where he will mingle with other talentless young people with no future ahead of them.
He said: “I want to study something completely pointless like Event Planning; anything that doesn’t involve kicking a football professionally; I’m not very good at that.
“I don’t know where my talent has gone. One day I woke up and it wasn’t there anymore. It didn’t even bother to say goodbye.”
A spokesperson for Chelsea revealed the club’s owner, Roman Abramovich, is threatening to sue the striker for having two left feet and the pace of a malnourished concentration camp survivor from the 1940s.
“Roman can’t believe he wasted £50-million on a player who has the confidence of an ugly alter boy whose adoptive parents think he’s a cunt.”