Research at Cambridge University Biochemistry Department (CUBD) has found that many EPL footballers share 99.8% of their DNA with ungulates such as the wildebeest, the gnu, Thompson’s gazelle and Grant’s zebra.
What this means, in any real sense remains unclear, although, doubtless it accounts for their tendency to ‘hang around’ in the goalmouths and centre circle – and other well-watered holes – rather than distribute themselves more evenly in order to maximise space.
Heat and dust
When 22 shirts thud across the dried crust of the pitch towards the end of May,” said Dr. Veldt, spokesman for CUBD, “it is for all the world as if we were watching the collective movement of a herd of dumb animals running to a biological imperative timed and orchestrated by some blind jokemaker.”
He added: “Where in the world could you see such a spectacle? The stamping of boots, the crying of ‘Terry’s ball’, the colour, the huffing, the puffing, the sheer majesty and spectacle of a choreographed mazurka in the dust.”
One of the mysteries of this natural pageant, is how Sir Roy Hodgson intends to introduce a ball to this seemingly chaotic and amorphous breed.
Dr Veldt continued: “I can’t imagine how adding a ball will achieve anything.
“The vectors and variables will be greatly increased and with them the scope for total and utter chaos. Ungulates are not known for their ball skills or passing ability and who knows what’ll they’ll make of having to keep possession or thread together the odd pass.
“Frankly, you might attempt this in a game against Wales or San Marino, but this hardly the sort of thing one should introduce immediately prior to the biggest football tournament on earth.
“If I were picking the England team, I’d concentrate on what they do best – aimlessly running up and down the field without affecting anything. It’s harmless as it is, so why torment them with unrealistic expectations or the opinions of a legion of armchair and press sages?”
Roy of the Drovers
Sir Roy, commenting from the FA heaquarters at Melchester Gate, said: “I have seldom heard such a catalogue of untruths. Everyone knows that England’s possession rates are higher than those achieved by Hughes’ Furby or the Eurasian moose.”