The German giants will play against their rivals Borussia Dortmund tonight in the show-piece match at Wembley Stadium.
But, despite having yet another chance of grabbing the biggest trophy in club football, Ribery has revealed he doesn’t actually understand even the most basic concepts of life.
He said: “I have a name tag which tells me who I am and where I have to go. I have no real understanding of the world around me.”
There have been rumours for some time that the French International was the inspiration behind the movie Memento (2000), where a man tattoos his body in order to remind himself of his rare neurological disorder that has wiped his memory clean.
Of course, Ribery cannot confirm or deny this simply because he doesn’t have the mental capacity to answer the question.
A club spokesperson confirmed that the player’s obedience on the pitch is contrived using a series of scare tactics and old magic tricks.
“We use a lot of stage blood and make-up to frighten Frank into believing he is trapped inside a living nightmare.
“But he knows that if he plays well for the team, then the night terrors will end, for a short time at least.”
In response to accusations of slavery and torture, the European Court of Human Rights had this to say on the matter:
“We have absolutely no interest in the well-being of Frank Ribery.”