Soon to be relegated Fulham have sacked their tea lady Dorris because “she didn’t fit the new philosophy of the club”.
The West London calamity also revealed that the pensioner had been fired via carrier pigeon.
New owner Shahid Khan confirmed that he only has a passing interest in the club.
He said: “Because I am a rich American, I have no real empathy for other human beings, hence the reason why I sanctioned the killing of Dorris the Tea Lady.”
When asked to clarify whether Dorris had been killed or fired as reported, Khan responded: “Whatever way you want to spin it, right now, the bitch is toast.”
This week, Fulham appointed fascist pit bull Felix Magath as manager, after sacking Rene Meulensteen
Magath has revealed his sinister plans for the first team squad.
He said: “When I identify the players who aren’t good enough – instead of being honest with them – I will slowly break their spirit until they beg to be put out of their misery like Dorris.”
He added: “A new reign of terror is descending over Fulham.”