Welsh primate Gareth Bale is being held in a motorway Travel Lodge ahead of his proposed transfer to Real Madrid.
According to a source within his current club Tottenham, the player cries himself to sleep every night while masked men guard his room and intermittently kick the living fuck out of him for the no apparent reason.
“Gareth is terrified that Real won’t come up with the £86-million ransom, which will mean he will have to spend another year in this North London nightmare.”
The source refused to comment on rumours that one of the masked men had fathered Bale’s child, while the forward has been in captivity.
Madrid have been stalling on the world record transfer, for a former full-back, who has had two good seasons, and looks a lot like one of those Soviet monkeys that were launched into space.
However, the Spanish giants are expected to stump up the cash this week, but only after they receive Bale’s left thumb and foreskin wrapped in an old copy of the Daily Sport.