The Welsh forward, who has made a career out of falling over in a heap, has also had a colostomy bag slammed up his dick pipe.
A spokesman for irresponsible club Real Madrid, confirmed Bale will become football’s first Frankenstein.
He said: “We pride ourselves on being crazier than any other club in the world. In the late 1970s, we installed a Jack Russell terrier as our manager, and then sacked him for winning the league.
“Gareth has major back problems as everyone knows. But there is a South American doctor, who has influence over the President. He suggested we slice off Bale’s head and kick it around like a deflated football at fat camp for ugly kids with severe autism.
“His skull will be replaced by a Sat Nav, which will be held on by spit and dog piss.”
Despite this shocking news, a source close to Gareth Bale’s family has revealed that the player has a life insurance package so lucrative, it would make an asexual insurance broker dry pummel a star shaped plug socket.
“Gareth’s family only love him for his money and are delighted he is about to die for no reason. They are over the moon about it.”