Gay footballers are to be lynched by sports fans for not conforming to their warped perception of normality.
A spokesperson for bigoted fans’ group, Narrow Mind, confirmed that the noble pastime, which rewards rolling around like a child, should not be sullied by people who are comfortable with their sexuality.
The statement read: “Even though every fan in the UK has friends and family who are gay, we draw the line when it comes to football.
“Obviously we know our point of view doesn’t make any sense, but we stand by it anyway.”
Head of the Premier League, Sir Samuel Smith, has urged all gay footballers to stay in the closet or risk being ripped apart by mobs of intolerant supporters.
He said: “There is no doubt that football fans would not be able to handle such an otherworldly revelation.
“I mean a man who plays a sport for money, being gay? You might as well say there is no God.”
He added: “There is the lad Robbie Rodgers in the US, but amazingly he hasn’t been verbally or physically attacked by fans. We are still investigating that.
“Maybe they think he is contagious, we just don’t know right now.”