The opus, titled Defending For Dummies, details the proud history of a club who are routinely beaten harder than a North Korean women whose husband has a gambling problem.
Hammers boss Big Sam Allardyce confirmed he cried when he first pretended to read the book.
He said: “It took four brave men to write this book. It’s a bit like the Bible except everything in here is true.
“My favourite parts are where we get relegated. That’s what defines this club now; failure.
“Imagine the footballing equivalent of Tim Henman; now remove the grass court skills and that nifty drop shot of his…and the Middle England sex appeal…and his dogged determination… that’s us right there.”
Tennis ace Henman was asked to respond to this comparison.
However, the vanilla flavoured perennial semi-finalist admitted he doesn’t follow football.
He said: “I have tried to watch football many times but always seem to end up organising my cardigan collection, which I also use to asphyxiate myself with.”