Unfortunately, the authorities could only find a pair of handcuffs, and a few England caps, floating in a massive pool of blood and human excrement.
A police spokesman insisted the search will continue.
He said: “There is no way of confirming whether the human remains found belonged to Jermain Defoe.
“We just need to completely ignore it and continue to pursue other lines of investigation.”
Police were alerted to Defoe’s disappearance when Spurs started playing their reserve goalkeepers upfront instead of him.
However, manager Andre Villas Boas confirmed that the England striker’s absence from the team is purely down to his incompetence and not part of any deviant sex game.
He said: “Obviously it’s tempting to tie the players up and rob them of their dignity. But last time I checked that had not happened to Jermain.
“I told police, ‘arrest me for being a joke manager’. Surely that is a bigger crime than kidnapping, rape and murder all wrapped together in one big tasty sandwich?
“Whatever they say, we didn’t kill him by mistake……or on purpose…..We didn’t kill him at all ok, it wasn’t our fault…..I just want to talk about football, please.”