JOE Kinnear has insisted that he invented the concept of time and was a founding member of the suffragette movement.
Newcastle’s new director of football, made the extraordinary claims while speaking with TalkSport.
He said: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.
“I used to phone Sir Alex Ferguson every week of his damn life, to ask him questions about the Carthaginians and palaces that were built in the spring time, only never to see the fall.
“I did all this my friends with a transfer kitty that would make starving Ethiopians weep into the moonlit sky.
“And who can see the future better than the pearls of their eyes?”
This baffling omission has been met with derision from the sports press.
There have even been rumours that Kinnear is in fact a fucking idiot incapable of being normal.
But a spokesperson for Newcastle has confirmed they are confident that the former Wimbledon boss’s idiosyncrasies will not interfere with team matters.
“We have liken Joe’s personality to that of a dangerous clown. In that he is funny to look at but would not be welcome at children’s parties or any outdoor events.
“And, that is what attracted us. It doesn’t seem possible but the man is a bigger joke than us, and that is something we are extremely excited about.