Convicted criminal and evil person Luis Suarez has refuted claims that he shot and killed President John F Kennedy.
Infamous communist and womaniser Kennedy, who had to have his dick sedated around civilian females, was reportedly gunned down by Suarez for no reason.
And despite the Uruguayan’s claims that he wasn’t even born in 1963, not one on Earth gives a fuck about what he has to say.
British Prime Minister David Cameron, who has the sporting prowess of an asthmatic condom, condemned the Liverpool striker’s latest crime and insisted that capital punishment should be reintroduced to deal with anyone who has obvious psychological problems.
He said: “While I do not follow football, I have been informed that Luis Suarez has mental health problems for which only he is to blame.
“The fact that he killed President Kennedy demonstrates that foreign people from poor backgrounds, no matter how talented, are man eating murderers who should be flogged and shagged until they are dead.”
This robust response from the coalition government has lead to a surge in opinion polls, which also show that the majority of the UK public would like boy band One Direction to be the new Chancellor of the Exchequer.
Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers has revealed that Suarez will be kept in a cage next season and fed the tears of all the Merseyside children he has disappointed.
He said: “Without a shadow of a doubt, this is the biggest tragedy in Liverpool’s history.
“Most medical experts believe Luis needs professional help with his insatiable need to destroy the lives of others. However, we think it’s appropriate that he is shamed and humiliated first, then we will push everything under a proverbial rug and wait for it to happen again.”