The Glazer Family, who are genetically related to a breed of Ape people who used to rule the Earth, would prefer to destroy the club rather than sell it because they are horrible bastards.
A spokesperson for the Americans confirmed they have no concept of history and enjoy crushing the dreams of poor people.
“The Glazers are old fashioned villains. They love watching people suffer while they profit from their misfortune.
“It turns them on sexually and that’s something you can’t put a price on.”
A source within half-hearted protest group, Love United Hate Glazers, revealed there are not enough United fans in Manchester to stop the dastardly scheme.
The source said: “Most of the fans are stuck in London because of the bad weather.
“Unfortunately, there is only a small band of us in Manchester. It’s a bit like that movie 300 except we don’t have enough courage, foresight, bravery or the requisite low body fat to make the analogy work.