The Glazer family, who own the former club, now plan to turn the stadium into an American football museum, complete with loud music, weak beer and processed food catering for morbidly obese people who are allergic to maps.
A source close to the Glazer family revealed that they have no soul and complete disdain for anything out with their own narrow view of the world.
“The family are just typical fun loving Americans. They like to buy over companies, strip them bare and rip the heart right out of them. We are all really excited about the future of the business going forward.”
The shocking decision apparently came when the board of directors met with new manager David Moyes.
A club spokesperson confirmed that trying to replicate Ferguson’s success seemed too much like hard work.
“We met with David Moyes yesterday and after lengthy discussions we all agreed that it just wouldn’t work.
“Now that Sir Alex has gone, we all realised that we don’t really have a clue about winning. I mean we know how to sell T-shirts in Asia, that’s easy. But winning trophies? Sorry, we couldn’t come up with anything.”
Former Everton manager David Moyes, whose area of expertise lies is not winning anything tangible, suggested that the club could finish sixth next season.
Unfortunately, most of the shareholders, after much deliberation, have decided to sell their stake in the club.