Former hotel bellhop Roberto Martinez has heaped praise on Everton’s Romelu Lukaku despite the striker having the agility of a morbidly obese pensioner who is about to die alone.
Lukaku, who is on-loan from Chelsea, worked as brick shit house before grifting his way into the naive world of professional football.
But Martinez insists he is delighted to have someone with no ability spearheading his side.
He said: “Lukaku cannot play football. He side-foots everything and runs like he has locked-in syndrome.
“We gathered all the talented youngsters at Everton together last week and told them to fuck off. Romelu is the future of this club, even though he is only here for a season.
Chelsea manager and spoiled brat Jose Mourinho confirmed Lukaku has no future at the top level.
He said: “When I first met Romelu I hoisted him up and kissed his big silly face. Then I realised he was not Drogba and dropped him like a dirty hooker.
“I then made arrangements for him to be taken away for a year, like those kids who went to Wales during World War 2, whose parents didn’t love them.
“Before he left, I picked the dirt off my shoe and throw it at him.”