Elderly England boss Roy Hodgson has hired high street dominatrix Mary Portas to help revive the flagging national side.
Angry cow Portas, who specialises in pointing things out for a living, has already advised Hodgson to take an overdose of sleeping pills and put a plastic bag over his head.
But the senile coach insists he has a longer term strategy for his mediocre side.
He said: “Mary has been fantastic since she came in. Right away, she asked every member of the squad how much they earn without even acknowledging my existence.
“She then suggested I take a running fuck to myself, when I dared open my mouth.”
Pathetic waste of skin Hodgson also refuted rumours that Portas took a shit on the floor and flung it at his face.
He said: “That’s simply not true. We had a minor disagreement about Michael Carrick which resulted in us wrestling on the floor for several hours.”