Following his £42-million transfer from Real Madrid, the Arsenal simpleton confirmed he holds the same value as an unfashionable Norwich midfielder.
He said: “Madrid basically conned Arsene Wenger by removing the dot between 4 and 2.
“I feel like an old Betamax player which has been covered in skin and had donor organs slammed into its video slot.
“Of course it feels strange, especially when most people are now watching movies on-demand.”
A clearly retarded Ozil also revealed that he spends his evenings crying, while being chauffeur driven around London, listening to the music of Ed Sheeran.
Mop headed ginger fuck nut Sheeran, in an exclusive interview with EPL wire, confirmed he couldn’t give a shit about the pathetic humanoids who listen to his mawkish warblings.
He said: “I extract money from weak people, by creating songs which directly exploit their insecurities.”
He added: “On a lighter note, can I just say that I enjoy EPL wire’s cruel, yet accurate, form of news reporting. Keep up the good work guys!”