Owen, whose best friend is a hamster called Terry, is about as interesting as a dick cancer operation.
A spokesperson for Suicide & Dry confirmed they are delighted to secure the services of the BT Sport pundit.
“Michael is like a human shop dummy, except he has free will and used to be somebody.
“We pride ourselves on being a totally pointless company set up by a heroin addicted public school boy, who inherited his fortune from the Uncle that used to blow him.
“We can’t wait to launch our brand globally with Michael front and centre along with his manager and pet hamster Terry Fitzpatrick.”
A source close to Mr Fitzpatrick revealed that he was promoted from his role as the family pet to manager of Owen’s various businesses, after the former England forward had a nervous breakdown.
The source said: “I wouldn’t say Terry is delighted with his new role, quite simply because he is a hamster, which is arguably the crappiest of all cop-out domestic pets.
“Michael had a collection of suits and tires made for him in Italy. Terry sits with Michael in his office all day – where both of them stare at a door which will never open.”