The former French international has revealed that he only took the job as boss of European football because it was offered to him and the money was good.
He said: “There are many things I would rather be doing now. For instance, I would like to halt the progression of other major sports, but of course none pay quite as well as football.”
Since taking over the role as head of Uefa, the Juventus legend has resisted goal line technology and entered into the dreams of small children with the sole intention of telling them why referees should be respected.
Aside from being totally devoid of passion for a game that has given him everything, Platini also insists that he even forgets what sport he is in charge of sometimes.
He said: “I often have to call my assistant to remind myself what exactly it is I do. Of course, after finding out, I just sit there and wait until the dark of the night sweeps over the world.”
A source close to the Frenchman explains that he is suffers from a whole host of neurological conditions which mean he is incapable of being normal.
“Michel has been visiting witch doctors and shamans for decades now. However, when anyone starts to advice him, he just zones out and starts listening to a whistling sound inside his head.
“Over the years, there has been speculation that this whistling sound has caused his obsession with referees and linesman.”
A Uefa spokesperson confirmed that the former midfielder is utterly infatuated with officials and would die to save their honour.
“Michel often listens to 1980s power ballads while watching footage of players getting red cards. That’s what really gets him going in the morning.”