Morbidly obese naturist Mike Ashley is set to release his own weight loss guide, instead of fixing Newcastle.
Food addict Ashley made the revelation despite being the fattest person ever associated with professional sports.
He said: “The title of the DVD is ‘How Have I Lived This Long?’.
“It details my gargantuan daily intake of food and also centres on my mediocre skills as a club owner and human being”
A source within the world’s least successful company also confirmed that Director of Football, Joe Kinnear, will also feature in the Jackass style video.
“Joe suggested that because he wasn’t doing his job properly, it might be good idea for him to strip down to his underwear and run around the training facility like a mentalist.
“He has explained to Mike and the crew this is the way he was taught to train in the all boys’ school he attended.”
Disgruntled Newcastle fans plan to protest the sale of the DVD, on the grounds of obscenity and misuse of club funds.