Human shield Krul, who was told to pack his bags and ‘fuck back off to Holland’, has been replaced by 54-year-old stopper Dave Beasant.
A Newcastle spokesman confirmed that obese Ashley hasn’t seen his dick since the 1980s.
He said: “The owner loves cutting costs, because he knows that the Geordie fans will continue to buy the club merchandise, because they don’t have the mental capacity to do otherwise.
“After Krul’s extraordinary display against Spurs, Mr Ashley knew he would want a new contract, so he quickly hired a drunk driver to run over his kids and shag his wife. He also bought the cheapest professional goalie he could find.”
The underachieving joke of a club also denied reports that Ashley held up a KFC franchise, demanding to know what their secret ingredient is.
New goalkeeper and Wimbledon legend Beasant, who actually played for Newcastle in the 88/89 season, explained that the surprise job offer has rescued him from a lonely retirement hell.
He said: “On Monday, I was sitting in my armchair staring at the wall, when the phone rang, changing the course of my pathetic life forever.
“Mr Ashley offered me shares in an old mining company belonging to his distant uncle, in exchange for my time and dignity. How could I refuse? It was either that, or sticking my head in the oven and slowly masturbating until the dark of the world swept over, ushering me to sleep.”