The current Newcastle owner and champion shit stirrer made the revelation while dressed in a Charlie Brown themed gimp suit.
He said: “Rangers are on their knees financially – so I see the destruction of Ibrox as a passion project for myself, Wonga and my enormous ego, which I call Snoopy.”
EPL wire managed to land an exclusive interview with Ashley’s rotund ego, which we found taking a piss on a homeless woman, who later died from unrelated health problems.
Snoopy said: “I want to break this down for any Geordies or Rangers fans who are reading but don’t have the mental capacity to understand the complexities of the Queen’s English.
“Myself and the diabetic dynamo which I inhabit can do whatever we want – because we own Sports Direct and you don’t.
“Can I make this any clearer or do you want me to fart it out in morse code for you.”
A spokesperson for Wonga confirmed that they will apply their standard 100,000% rate of interest to any loan Ashley takes out.
“Our loans are popular amongst people who can’t read or write, particularly babies who have decided to start their own business – it’s a bit like a storyline from a 1980s comedy film, except in this movie, the baby goes bankrupt and gets its head kicked in by loan sharks.
“We are easy and fun to deal with and I’m sure Rangers fans will enjoy being under our thumb – right up until we take the black-hole they have been teetering over and wrap it around their neck like a cosmic bin liner, and give them an almighty financial danger wank.”
If you would like to know more about the Rangers takeover bid – go fuck yourself.