Clueless manager David Moyes has confirmed he intends to consult with former United boss and perma-tanned racist Big Ron Atkinson.
Moyes, who spends his day wiping the stains off his office carpet, wants to learn from someone else who struggled in the Old Trafford hot-seat.
He said: “Every moment of privacy I get, I start blubbing into my sleeve. Of course, that’s nothing a little self-harming doesn’t sort out. After I’ve cut myself like a teenage girl who listens to crap music, I’m fucking right as rain, although still inherently unhappy and way out my depth.
“Big Ron has such a refreshing view of the world. It’s totally backward and represents everything which is wrong with society. I can’t wait to find out more about it.”
A spokesperson for Big Ron, who is coincidentally a protestant white male, revealed that the reality TV regular was away hunting endanger species in South Africa.
“Ron is delighted that David needs his help. However, his safari only ends once all living things in a 100-mile radius have been destroyed.
“Nothing makes Ron feel more like a man than having a poor animal strapped down in front of him, with a bulls’ eye burnt into its skin. Life’s one big fucking game and Ron likes playing it all the live long day.”