The injury prone Portuguese slacker confirmed that his decision was based solely on the fact that he is a huge Mary Poppins fan.
He said: “When I was younger I dreamt of becoming Mary Poppins.
“I would often dress up in women’s clothing and have sex with the local chimney sweep.
“That’s when I changed my name to Nani, travelled to England and underwent extensive sexual reassignment surgery.”
He added: “The procedure was a success and I am now referred to professionally as Susan Matthews from Salford.”
According to Ms Matthews’ CV, her philosophy includes replacing the industry standard naughty step with the original version of Alan Clarke’s controversial borstal drama Scum.
According to broadsheet stalwart, The Daily Stirrer, Nani’s first client is Chelsea captain and former Dad of the Year John Terry.
However a source close to Terry confirmed that he has never actually met his own children.
The source said: “John and his manager, which is also his penis, have refuted this story.”