Rotund owner Mike Ashley, who once employed a dead raccoon to baby sit his children, has had a sexual interest in the former Noel’s House Party guest for many years now.
But, Ashley insisted his steamy romance with Blobby will not interfere with the running of the football club.
He said: “It’s true that I love Blobby and intend to take his hand in marriage.
“However, that shouldn’t detract from his obvious talents. He will also help shower and bathe Director of Football Joe Kinnear in the mornings.”
Asked what manager Alan Pardew thinks of the appointment, Ashley responded: “Alan has already heavily researched the legalities of taking his own life. The club, along with Mr Blobby, will support him in his decision.”