The world of football was shaken to the roots of its Barnet today with the news that Wayne Rooney’s hair transplant has been found to be fake by leading experts.
Renowned hair academics at the Institut de Trichologie in Burkina-Faso, issued their official findings after Rooney’s bonce-job was referred by the new Manchester United manager David Moyes.
It followed months of speculation that Rooney’s mediocre form last season may have been caused by transplanting infected baboon bottom-hair onto his scalp.
There was concern that the transplanted hair was infected by a number of pathogens including ebola virus.
An Expert Speaks
“We wanted to show whether we could explain Rooney’s general loss of energy and focus last season by analysing what may have infected his hair transplant.
“Trypanosomiasis or African ‘sleeping sickness’ was a possibility, as were Crimean-Congo hemorrhagic fever and dengue-dengue.
“What we discovered was truly shocking. The Rooney hair transplant was actually brown felt-tip pen ink with fine biroed lines to resemble individual hairs. It’s a triumph in trompe l’oeil but it’s not a hair transplant.”
Hair Today, Syrup of Figs Tomorrow
In an exclusive interview, devastated Wayne Rooney told Pie and Chips Afficionado Magazine: “When I had the hair transplant like, the people what done it told me that they’d be comin’ over every two weeks like to ensure the roots had taken like and to rub Baby Bio and Dairy-Lea cheese on it an’ tha’.
“I ‘ad no idea they was just colouring me ‘ead over with a felt tip pen like. I am gutted as I paid a lorra money like and thought tha’ was it like, sound like.
“They was even biroing lines on me ‘ead to look like hairs like. I mean what’s tha’ about? Disgoostin’ like. Coleen can’t stop cryin’. We’ll ‘ave to get her syrup tested now. Devastatin’, gutted like…like…”