Waste of life Nicolas Anelka has walked out of new club West Brom to embark on an unsuccessful career as a motivational speaker.
The Frenchman has insisted that leaving the only thing that he was ever good at is the right decision for himself and his frightened family.
He said: “During my career, I have learned almost nothing and that is something I want to share with people.
“Also, that an innate talent for something as lucrative as football, can be counteracted by severe behaviour problems and an inability to communicate with others.”
West Brom manager and Taggart impersonator Steve Clarke expressed his shock at the striker’s decision to quit the club after only one competitive game.
He said: “Nick is an enigmatic figure like Cantona, except without the charisma, dignity or ability to speak in metaphors.
“However, I’m still shocked. I honestly thought that, despite all his wealth and success, he genuinely wanted to forge a partnership with Shane Long that would propel us to mid table obscurity.”
Stay tuned for more Anelka news, including further attempts to disappoint everyone who has ever loved him.