In an interview with the influential financial services publication ‘New Swindler’, human tar sand-fracked greaseball George Osborne, warned that the economic recovery was still as fragile as a Cottingley fairy’s wing, and that the sale of Gareth Bale to Real Madrid, was essential to avoid the triple dipper.
He droned on and eventually what was deciphered by our Enigma code experts at Sketchley Park was this:
“Look, we understand that the Lillywhite Yiddos want to hold onto Bale. We have listened and we get that.
“We understand that the ‘Shelf’ wishes to continue wearing their ‘Taxi for Maicon’ T-shirts. But this government believes the sale of Bale is a fair deal for the Tottingham filth and a fair deal for the taxpayers of Great Britain.”
One piece of good news is that the COYS will still have Adebayor.
The Wild Wankers of Wonga
At issue is the fact that the fragile economic recovery is fuelled by people spending more and having more confidence to borrow unaffordable amounts of money at ruinous interest rates from payday loan sharks.
However, the country needs the recovery to be driven by manufacturers and exporters.
The problem is that no-one is making anything, and they can’t be arsed to export anyway, as they can barely string two intelligible sentences together in English let alone a foreign language.
You’re all in it together
It’s a tough one. The sale of the White Hart Lane orangutan abroad could make the difference between a triumphant 0.00001% increase in GDP or a similar decrease if there’s no export.
There are hard choices to make on the road to recovery. Do we sell Bale or send all the poor people to Humberside? The future economy of the country depends on what happens next.