Muscle-bound show-off Cristiano Ronaldo has revealed that he was born with a micro-penis and has spent his entire life over compensating. The Real Madrid forward confirmed the news while trying to locate his redundant porridge pump with a torch and a pair of specially designed small dick tweezers. He said: “I’m …
Following his foot in mouth performance on Question Time, functioning humanoid Joey Barton has engaged in an online debate with the nomadic soul of far right bad boy Adolf Hitler. However, after correctly highlighting the former Nazi leader’s deplorable human rights record, the QPR midfielder then accused all German women of …
Human tragedy David Moyes has admitted that he can’t get enough negative attention and now plans to join far right comedy outfit UKIP. In an exclusive interview with EPL Wire, Moyes refuted claims he had assaulted a young man in a wine bar, but did admit to dressing his wife …
Ball kicking dynamo Gareth Bale is not actually a human being, according to a group of Vatican monks tasked with destroying him. Bale, who is in a civil partnership with a Zebra called Helen, has chosen not to comment on the story. However, one of his bible bashing antagonists was …
Liverpool windbag Brendan Rodgers has accused title rivals Chelsea and Manchester City of being “soulless corporate fuck stains.” The 41-year-old boss delivered the scathing assessment of his title rivals after administering a proverbial kick to City’s title testicles. He said: “We honestly believe that Chelsea and City are involved in …
United spare part Phil Neville reportedly denied knowing managerial buffoon David Moyes three times while on a night out in Manchester. A witness claimed that a group of City fans accosted Neville over United’s poor form and in particular their incompetent manager. The witness said: “A group of drunk lads …
Ego centric footballing genius Ronaldo was conceived after a blouse, acquired from an unnamed big girl, burst mid coitus, according to his family physician. Doctor Pedro Smarti Pants has insisted that this information is correct, despite the fact that he has sold his story to feed his own gigantic crack …
Charismatic loser Arsene Wenger has confirmed all his strikers are to have their dicks burnt off in front of a group of youth players whose enthusiasm for the game is being intentionally drilled out of them. The Arsenal manager insists that everything at the club is geared towards his own …
The Football Association has announced that a player or manager who premeditatively takes the life of a fellow professional will only receive a 10-game ban. This latest revelation comes after Newcastle boss and street fighting fanatic Alan Pardew was awarded a 7-game ban and a handshake for headbutting Hull’s David Meyler. …
Crumpled pensioner Roy Hodgson has confirmed he will pick deceased World Cup winner Bobby Moore for this summer’s tournament in Brazil. The England manager revealed that he will select big reputation players even if they are injured or even dead. He said: “Like many England managers before me, I have …