Despite being past his best and slower than a blind amputee greyhound who suffers from depression, Rio has penned a lucrative deal that will surely jeopardise the future of the club.
New boss David Moyes revealed he intends to let all his older players stay on, so they can eventually undermine his authority when results inevitably go against them.
He said: “I like an ageing team that can’t keep up with the opposition. It makes the game more interesting.”
Of course, United have previously fooled the nation into believing 55-year-old Ryan Giggs is good enough to play in the side. In reality, the Welsh veteran is about as effective as a kick in the scrotum is at curing testicular cancer.
During Sir Alex Ferguson’s epic reign, the club sealed the biggest sponsorship deal in sporting history with Saga holiday cruises.
United were delighted to be associated with a company that sells over-priced holidays to drug addled pensioners, who have resorted to eating meals with their hands like monkeys in the wild.
Chief executive David Gill insisted the club have no intention of developing a long term strategy.
He said: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”