Brendan Rodgers has confirmed that Arsenal must pay Luis Suarez’s ransom in small unmarked non-consecutive bills before the end of the week.
The Liverpool manager, who is slowly developing the neurological disease ‘locked in syndrome’, insists the striker will only be released when the money has been counted.
He said: “Luis is being kept in a purpose built dungeon until the transfer business is concluded.
“We have tried to make things comfortable for him.
“He has all the comforts of home, aside from the dead vagrants and scattered fascist memorabilia.
“Luis is a great guy. Of course I’d never let him near my kids, or my friends or any body else who has the rest of their life ahead of them.”
He added: “I’m sure he’ll fit in well in London. Obviously, he will eventually wreck the opportunity because he is an unhinged sociopath who is incapable of being normal.
“But, until he is deported, jailed or lynched, Arsenal will have a great player on their hands, that’s for sure.
A spokesperson for Arsenal, revealed that the North London club have no idea what they are letting themselves in for.
“People keep telling us that Suarez is a dangerous maniac who hunts naked in the woods at night, but we just aren’t aware of that.
“Much like George Bush pre-9/11, Arsene Wenger has been informed disaster is about to happen, but he isn’t prepared to do anything about it.”